Thoughts....

@Pants: Wow. You've got a lot goin' on. I'm glad you found an apartment! And it's good that you like your room-mate. And why weren't you taking your meds?! Those are important!

Let's see... my life has been a roller coaster lately.
One minute we're flat broke, the next minute we have cash that we scrounged for and we're happy, then it's back to being broke and just trying to stay alive.
My commissions are going well. People seem to be enjoying the work I put out. Hopefully I'll start getting them often enough to help buy dinner for my family every so often.

There's a new development in my household. I realized my son was getting big, so I cleaned out my daughters room and completely baby-proofed it. Now my son can go in there and play without me having to monitor his every move. He's also big enough that he doesn't try to eat everything he touches. Why is this such an awesome development?
Well. He was never able to go in there. He was confined to the living room, where he could see me. Now he can run back and forth between the 2 rooms and it gives my husband and I a nice break. It's weird, we actually got to cuddle on the couch without being bothered yesterday. Who knew cleaning up a room could have such benefits?!

Another new thing is... I got really bored and I decided to try my hand at cutting hair. Yea. Guess who was my test subject? My daughter. Poor thing.
Luckily, it came out alright. I still have no clue what I'm doing, but hey. It works.

D'aww.

I think she needs glasses. >_<

Lemme see...

OH.

*sigh* Another new thing... 

I should reveal that I haven't seen my best friend (Jodi) very much since she joined the army almost 4 years ago. I have really missed her. She's done with the army in either april or may of 2012 (soon!) and she'll be moving back to our hometown. So every time I visit home, I'll be able to see her again.

But yesterday we found out about some... complications.

(First let's go over our past:)

See, she has more than one best friend. Her other childhood friend, Courtney, was my husband's (Nick) last girlfriend. That's how I met him. No, I didn't steal him away. She was with him for 2 years, almost three. The entire time I was in love with someone else (the father of my first child). I don't pay attention to other friends boyfriends. So, Courtney broke up with Nick. A few months later, I moved into Jodi's mother's house. There was a spare room. Jodi's husband (Shaun) lived in the room across the hall (all the while Jodi was stationed in Korea awaiting approval for her man to move out there). So Shaun and I hung out a lot, sometimes with my boyfriend at the time. Shaun began inviting Nick over to hang out. I didn't know him too well. All I knew was that he could mix some damn good alcoholic beverages. Anyway, I was going through a break-up with a douchebag and Nick was coming around a lot. I started to notice that he was more my type than I ever realized and I guess he start realizing the same. It became apparently that we were beginning to really like each other...

SO. I did what a good friend does and I messaged Courtney. I told her exactly what was going on and I basically asked her "permission". She blew up and accused me of having a thing for him back when they were together, which really was just her being paranoid. Weeks later, I ended up pregnant. We found out she was pregnant with some other guy's kid. Everyone was mad at each other and honestly, it was just a dumb situation.

Courtney and I share the very same best friend. And we all used to have a lot of fun together. There's no reason why she should hate me, and it's a little stupid to think that she can go on with life not having to deal with us. 

Especially since yesterday I found out that she is going to be moving in with Jodi an Shaun when they move back home. WTF. 

I mean, this wouldn't be a problem if she would let us back into her life. But since she won't, we wont be allowed to go to our best friend's house. Ever.  It's a bunch of bullshit.

I want to send her a message and invite her out to lunch or something. It's been two years since I've even talked to her. She blocked both of us after apologizing for blowing up in our faces... which doesn't make sense. Our kids are the same age. Two days apart, in fact. If she could get over this, our kids could have so much fun together.

*sigh* I hate drama. Why can't we all be friends?

I think I can fix this... I just need time on my side. And possibly some luck.

- Alli

My News

So. Not much has happened since I last blogged. Oh Wait! I had a mental breakdown at school last friday and had to tell my teacher that I had a doctor's appointment. My sister came and picked me up (oh joy -sarcasm-) and took me to my parents house where I sobbed hysterically in my mom's lap for about an hour. And all this happened because I hadn't taken my meds in a week and a half.

No Alli, my new housemate isn't nuts. She does have issues with her anger though. She's been taking me to church (-inner self-: Why??? You're a Pagan aren't you?) True, but I humor her because I don't like being alone, she's my friend, and there's really nothing to do there on the days that I don't have school. I'm going with her to church this saturday (I think) and we're doing a "trunk-or-treat" church event on Halloween.

I found an apartment. Let me start from the beginning. My case worker got an email from another case worker saying that someone was looking for a roommate. That person also asked their coworker if they wanted to be roommates. Then the coworker said no. So I said YES. I move in on November 1st. The person that I'm moving in with is 46 and disabled (like me). She also has a pet rabbit (YAY! No visiting sister!) My sister is allergic to rabbits.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. I'll add more if I need to. Laters. -Amelia

News

@Pants: Let's hope this new chick in your house isn't weird. And sorry that your sister is a nut. 
HEY, I'm eating nuts right now! 
Almonds.... in chocolate. Get your mind outta the gutter! 


Lol.
Anyway, I'm not pregnant. I started a two week late period.
Have I mentioned I hate my body?


I'm just gonna lay and and die.
Or lay down and pretend like I'm gonna die, but then get up and read a book.


Last night I started reading a new book by Frank Peretti. I'm scared. He writes some crazy things and I've only read one of his books before (This Present Darkness). Really different. It was about a town going through some crazy changes. People started getting into witchcraft and stuff. Then another part of the story involved a battle between angels and demons and how the demons would affect the decisions and actions of the townspeople. And how the angels' strength depended on the prayers of people at church. Funny, because it had me wondering whether the idea was actually completely fictional or based on the way things really work.
Ya know?
Anyway, I'm reading The Oath. And I'm scared because it was recommended by my husband. All the Frank Peretti books belong to him. He says that this was the only book to ever scare the shit out of him. Not literally, but he did say he had a turn a light on. Why does this freak me out? Because my husband doesn't get scared. Ever. He's the kind of guy who could watch a scary movie without blinking or changing his facial expressions. And all the FP books involve demons in some way.
These are the kinds of books I like to read because usually they come with a message on how to deal with fear, usually in a religious way. It paints a picture of demons more as pathetic little creatures with nothing better to do than torture, instead of beasts you should fear at all times. 
Demons are real, btw. 
No, ghosts are not. OH NOES, DID I RUIN GHOST HUNTERS FOR YOU?
I used to love that show too. And Paranormal State, that was a good one.
How do I know? Lots of studying do to personal experience with the supernatural. In fact, it's the reason I'm religious now. Dropped the whole "cool atheist" scene for a reason, that's for sure.
Am I 100% positive that I'm right? Yes. 
If anyone tells me otherwise, I don't debate. I just nod my head.
I've seen too much. I know too much.


Anyway, let's not jump into deep shit just yet. A lot of people stopped being my friend when I became religious. Which is ghey, because I don't preach at anyone. And I don't tell anyone my beliefs unless I'm expressing it in my own little area, like this blog. Or if someone asks me. My atheist best friend flipped out once and was like, "YOU KNOW THAT IF I POSTED THAT I LOVE BEING AN ATHEIST, YOU'D COME PREACHING AT ME." Which is bullshit. She pulled that out of her ass. I've never done that and it's ridiculous to assume that any religious person automatically just does that.
I'm always up for a friendly debate, but please don't dish it if you can't take it.


I respect everyone and their beliefs. I really do. 
So please don't run away. >_<


Ahhhhhhh I think I'm done. I've said A LOT.


- Alli

Damn it.

A blood test is the only 100% positive way to know if you are pregnant. (I think). Compared to Alli's life, mine seems pretty boring. We got a new housemate. Shoshana is her name. We were supposed to get another person (a guy I think) but he's waiting until today to come. That's four people in the house. Hoshit. Do we have enough room in the fridge? I haven't been around this many people since I was at home. Speaking of home, I'm getting homesick. I miss my mom and everyone. Well, everyone except my addict of a sister. She's not only an addict, but an unmedicated bipolar patient too! Her fits are worse than mine - and I'm the one that sees and hears things that aren't really there.

Confused

So, I'm about to spit out a lot of personal, gross information. Read at your own risk.


I haven't had a period in like 2 years due to being pregnant and then breastfeeding. Yes, breastfeeding stops a period indefinitely. It's pretty much random when it decides to stop working as a birth control. So I've had to refer to other safe measures throughout the year.


But of course, my husband and use alcohol maybe once every two weeks to escape the pressures of being all alone, with no help or friends in Texas. Sometimes... alcohol makes you forget to use safe measures, if you know what I mean. Especially when you're drinking absynthe. O_o;


Here's where it gets crazy: Last month on August 4th, I had my very first full period. And I haven't been breastfeeding as much, which has me assuming my periods are starting up for good. So Sept. 4th rolled around and nothing happened. No periods. There was a tiny bit of spotting. Then a few days ago I had insane cramps ALL day. It hurt so bad, all the way until the next day. They reminded me of the cramps I had a week after my son was conceived. So I bought a test and took it yesterday morning. At first I thought I saw a faint positive line but then whatever I thought I saw disappeared. I might just be making stuff up in my mind. I really don't know.


But it could just be too soon to tell? There are such things as false negatives. I have 2 more tests and I think I should wait at least another week before taking another one. Do I have enough patience for this? Hell no.
And if I get another negative my mind will seriously be blown. I've never not been able to read my own body this badly. 
When I was pregnant with my other kids, I knew it from the beginning. I was 100% positive and I didn't need a test. But after I had Aiden and started this breastfeeding crap, things have gone haywire.


I should mention that I can't stop craving green bean casserole.
Also, last night I ate an XXL steak grilled stuffed burrito, plus 2 tacos from Taco Bell. My tummy usually only has room for the burrito and I hate the tacos. 


SO EFFING CONFUSED!
I'm sick of this breastfeeding crap. I went for almost a year and a half, I think I'm done. 
DONE DONE DONE.


I dunno if we could handle another baby. I know I'd love another one. I know that I'm perfectly capable of handling 3 children and it's my idea of a perfect family. But my husband absolutely doesn't want another kid. And he thinks we don't have the money to support one. We fed my son for free for an entire year. We have tons of leftover clothes and friends and family who would send us more if needed. And I would be perfectly willing to do cloth diapers. And we get free health insurance and our choice of doctors. Our hospital bill when I had Aiden was $14.
I would never get pregnant on purpose against my husbands will. Never ever. And neither of us believe in abortion. So if I'm pregnant, we're having another baby and when it comes to MY babies, I will gladly give up anything to support them. My babies come first.


I think I feel this way because I'm the mother. Mothers have more of an attachment to children. Men don't until they actually SEE their brand new baby. Which is understandable and I wouldn't hold that against my husband. I love him. But when I look at my kids, I can't help but feel like they were just meant to be. And when I think of not having a third one, I feel like something is missing. More than three feels wrong. In fact, I'll probably go on some serious birth control after that. I do NOT want four kids. Holy crap.


Damn. I'm so tired of even thinking about this. I need to KNOW. 
Stupid tests. Stupid body.


- Alli

Alli is the Queen of Optimism

Alli is the queen of optimism! Well, my weekend also sucked. I was sick Saturday and most of Sunday. With the same thing I had two weeks ago. And I spent $95 dollars on stuff I needed for class. Sewing supplies, fabrics, thread, etc etc.... So now, I'm broke. Mom says that she'll bring me more money on wednesday (which she has off instead of her usual thursday off). But anyways: I think I'll copy alli.

Things to be thankful for:
I have a roof over my head.
I have food to eat.
I have a family who loves and supports me.

Ugh

So, the past few days have sucked bawls. 'Scuse my french, but I believe it's deserved.
I've been having to take my husband to the hospital every night. They found a cyst at the end of his tailbone.
He's in a shitload of pain and they won't be able to do surgery to remove it for another two weeks.
We have to go to the ER every night until then, and wait for hours until they can re-dress the wound.


In other news, my daughter's birthday and my wedding anniversary are both coming up on the 26th and we have no money. The most I'll be able to do is make her a cake. We get paid the following weekend, so hopefully we'll be able to go to the zoo. That's also assuming that my husband will be able to freakin' walk by then, but nothing is concrete.


Things are so messed up right now, but I'm keeping my head high. Here are some things I'm thankful for:
We have coffee in the kitchen. 
We are all alive.
Some people are sending us packages! DISNEYLAND IN A BOX! Wooo!
My kids are cute.
We have the ingredients for green bean casserole. Mmm...
We're planning a trip to California for Christmas with my mother's help!
I might be pregnant (though my husband would disagree that this is something to be thankful for)
I'm pwning on Minecraft.
I had a vanilla dr. pepper last night.
Penguins have not yet gone extinct.
I haven't seen a spider in over a week.
My singing is getting better.
I have lots of friends and family who love me and are willing to help us in times of need. ^_^


I'm gonna stop there. :)
That's all for now!


- Alli