Confused

So, I'm about to spit out a lot of personal, gross information. Read at your own risk.


I haven't had a period in like 2 years due to being pregnant and then breastfeeding. Yes, breastfeeding stops a period indefinitely. It's pretty much random when it decides to stop working as a birth control. So I've had to refer to other safe measures throughout the year.


But of course, my husband and use alcohol maybe once every two weeks to escape the pressures of being all alone, with no help or friends in Texas. Sometimes... alcohol makes you forget to use safe measures, if you know what I mean. Especially when you're drinking absynthe. O_o;


Here's where it gets crazy: Last month on August 4th, I had my very first full period. And I haven't been breastfeeding as much, which has me assuming my periods are starting up for good. So Sept. 4th rolled around and nothing happened. No periods. There was a tiny bit of spotting. Then a few days ago I had insane cramps ALL day. It hurt so bad, all the way until the next day. They reminded me of the cramps I had a week after my son was conceived. So I bought a test and took it yesterday morning. At first I thought I saw a faint positive line but then whatever I thought I saw disappeared. I might just be making stuff up in my mind. I really don't know.


But it could just be too soon to tell? There are such things as false negatives. I have 2 more tests and I think I should wait at least another week before taking another one. Do I have enough patience for this? Hell no.
And if I get another negative my mind will seriously be blown. I've never not been able to read my own body this badly. 
When I was pregnant with my other kids, I knew it from the beginning. I was 100% positive and I didn't need a test. But after I had Aiden and started this breastfeeding crap, things have gone haywire.


I should mention that I can't stop craving green bean casserole.
Also, last night I ate an XXL steak grilled stuffed burrito, plus 2 tacos from Taco Bell. My tummy usually only has room for the burrito and I hate the tacos. 


SO EFFING CONFUSED!
I'm sick of this breastfeeding crap. I went for almost a year and a half, I think I'm done. 
DONE DONE DONE.


I dunno if we could handle another baby. I know I'd love another one. I know that I'm perfectly capable of handling 3 children and it's my idea of a perfect family. But my husband absolutely doesn't want another kid. And he thinks we don't have the money to support one. We fed my son for free for an entire year. We have tons of leftover clothes and friends and family who would send us more if needed. And I would be perfectly willing to do cloth diapers. And we get free health insurance and our choice of doctors. Our hospital bill when I had Aiden was $14.
I would never get pregnant on purpose against my husbands will. Never ever. And neither of us believe in abortion. So if I'm pregnant, we're having another baby and when it comes to MY babies, I will gladly give up anything to support them. My babies come first.


I think I feel this way because I'm the mother. Mothers have more of an attachment to children. Men don't until they actually SEE their brand new baby. Which is understandable and I wouldn't hold that against my husband. I love him. But when I look at my kids, I can't help but feel like they were just meant to be. And when I think of not having a third one, I feel like something is missing. More than three feels wrong. In fact, I'll probably go on some serious birth control after that. I do NOT want four kids. Holy crap.


Damn. I'm so tired of even thinking about this. I need to KNOW. 
Stupid tests. Stupid body.


- Alli