In A Nutshell

Hello again.


It's Alli again. I've chosen to start writing in blue so that I don't have to make clear that it's me whenever I write.


In response to Pant's blog, I have to just say "Wow." It's insane, the kinds of things the people go through nowadays. But with all the problems she has, I honestly can't even tell. She seems pretty cool and pretty normal to me.
I can't relate with the same types of baggage. My baggage is... different.
My mom had me when she was 16, with a guy who loved drugs and wanted my mom to get fat and be housewife for the rest of her life. So she was done with him before I was even born. She's currently a very successful criminalist, very healthy, and very skinny.
So my real dad had been involved with drugs all my life. He was never at birthday parties, never did anything special. I was never angry at him for it, either. I had a stepdad (Bobby), who I really never got along with.


He's been around since I was 3. After all these years of raising me, I'm sure he loves me. And I KNOW he loves my kids, that's for darn sure. Sneakin' them out in the morning to buy them pancakes... that's a true grandpa! But I never really had love for him like a girl should love her dad. It's a little sad, but I can't help it. I think I just noticed that his love for my brothers was different than his love for me. 


Who doesn't have daddy issues? AmIright?! I never let it bother me though. I was never one to hold grudges or let me issues play apart in molding me into who I am today.
I was never abused. Not that I remember, anyway.
My grandma says I used to draw in-debth pictures of naked people when I was like 3 and she suspected something was up, but quickly let it go because I was such a happy kid. I think I just liked to draw, which has remained true all my life.  If I draw a naked person right now, it's just beautiful art and I think I've always just had an eye for raw beauty.


Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe something crazy did happen when I was little. I have dreams sometimes that I'm a little girl being kidnapped. Thrown into a green van and taken away. It seems very realistic, almost like a memory. But it's no big deal.
I don't like to push crazy ideas like this. I have too great of a life to ruin it with things in the past that may or may not even exist. I have too many things to be thankful for.


Back to my childhood... I had an imaginary friend. He was a blue monster named Dernard.
He was SO real to me! I can even remember what he looked like. He didn't have a nose. He was round and fuzzy. Kinda like Grover from Sesame Street if you took away his nose and his body and attach his arms and legs to his head. Dernard was the only friend I needed. I would get so mad if anyone sat on him or stepped on him. I remember yelling at other children for not respecting Dernard's personal space bubble. They probably thought I was crazy. Some say that children make up imaginary friends because of daddy issues, but honestly I don't think that's always the case. My mom didn't have daddy issues and she had an imaginary friend. My daughter has one, as well.


My childhood pretty much ended when my grandma died. That's when our entire family turned to shit and everyone began making horrible decisions, including me. I was 12 when it happened. See, my grandma was my best friend. I pretty much saw her as my other mother. I never had lots of friends because all I needed was her. The entire family revolved around her because she was such a wonderful person. She was in her 50's when she died and nobody expected it, which is why everyone went so crazy after she was gone. She had boil and she didn't get it checked out. So the bacteria inside spread to her blood stream and she went into septic shock. I was the only one there when this happened and she and I both thought she just had the flu. She had just bought me the 5th Harry Potter book that had just come out, so I was too distracted to notice that anything was really wrong. So when I woke up the next day, I thought she was just sick when she wasn't getting out of bed. I told her goodbye and left and I never got to talk to her again. By the time someone found her later that day, she wasn't even able to speak. I guess that means I got her last words.


In the years following, I had trouble making good friends. I always had a few "just good enough" type of friends. And of course, there were a few gems that would evolve into better friends later on. My buddy Naomi (also known as x I met my fate x on Gaia) was a great friend and still is. But she was around while my grandma was still alive. Other than that, I always fought to fill the gap that my grandma death left.  I wasn't close to either of my parents, so I was a bit alone. I ended up with boyfriends that weren't so great. They treated me like crap. I got pregnant when I was 17 and a half. Left the guy I had her with because he was an asshole and basically everything was a downward spiral until I met my Nick. My super hero.


Actually, that's not true. I met Nick 2 years before I got with him. He was dating a friend of a friend and I was  deeply involved with someone else. But life truly came together when we started dating. We only dated for a month before we got married. He was signed up to leave for the army and we found out that I was pregnant, so he proposed on the spot. I didn't even think twice about it. The answer just seemed obvious, even though we had only been dating a few weeks. I had never met his parents and he hadn't met mine. Still, it was the best decision I ever made.


 My daughter was living with my parents and I was living in a room in my best friend's mother's house down the street. My parents had kicked me out for some un-godly, stupid reason. I left my daughter with them because they could better provide for her than I could with my crappy $300 a month paychecks. With that, I also had given my parents temporary custody. I felt like shit about it, of course.   But when Nick asked me to marry him, I knew that everything would be better and I was right. I got custody of my daughter back. I was able to quit my job working at the Pre-sort, where I sorted mail with a bunch of hippies who couldn't let go of "the good old days". And I became a full-time mom. Takin' care of business.


 I also got to marry my dream guy, which was amazing. We got married up in the mountains (for free) with just close friends and family. Then we had a huge fall-themed reception in the city a few weeks later. That was great. I'll even post pictures!

There's a lot more involved with that part of the story, but that's a blog for another day. Man, thinkin' about my childhood takes a lot out of me. But yea, that's my life in a nutshell. That's me.


I'll blob later about my Absynthe experience last night. ;)


- Alli